Hi, I think I have depression but I am not sure.
Few of the reasons why I think I have depression is because I am self loathing, i feel useless, and can’t bring myself to forgive myself for that, since it is my fault and my actions that resulted to what I am today.
I can’t seem to concentrate on anything, I have had this problem all my life, but now it has either gotten worse, or I am just noticing its negative effects more.
I am not as active as I used to be, I used to be very hyper, bouncing off the walls, always jumping around (even at the age of 19), but now, I just sit around the whole day, can’t bring myself to get up and around.
My diet has been the same, or better, I eat more than I used to, but thats a response to me working out more. I workout about 6 to 8 hours a week. Though I see changes there as well, I sometimes play basketball, but seem to have lost my quickness.
I have always had insomnia, but now it seems like, if I can manage to sleep, I sleep for 10 or 11 hours.
I got bad grades in the beginning of college, but I have turned that around, and last semester I got all A’s and this semester I am getting the same so far, but I still can’t manage to forgive myself for the idiocy.
I have never really had friends, just people I play basketball with, and that hasn’t been a problem till about 6 months ago, when this whole depression thing started.
I have never dated a girl before, not out of choice, but it just never happened, got rejected too many times to remember, but that also never had an effect on me even though I never understood why I got rejected every time. I am not really good looking, but not really ugly either, so not sure what the problem is, but that as well has never had an effect on me till now.
I am also a 21 year old virgin, again, not out of choice, just is a direct result of the previous reason.
I am not intelligent, am kind of dumb, but I do have strong points, like geography and history, but for some reason I can’t focus on that but instead sulk about how dumb I am.
Last year, a foreign exchange student, who hung out with me while here in the US, told me over IM, that she really liked me but never could muster the courage the tell me that. I like her too, and since she wants to come back to the US after her college is done, I am happy about that.
But the thing that really depresses me, and gets me down is, that all this depression and stuff started happening to me about 3 months after my friend told me she liked me, but I don’t know how I can relate this to her, and I don’t want to either. But I really wonder many times, why a girl like her (she’s great at everything, school, social life, work, etc), would want to be with me. A common answer would be a visa, but thats not the case here, she has a 10 year visa.
I know I should probably see a psychiatrist, but I don’t have insurance anymore, and can’t afford it, since I got laid off my job and am now doing a near minimum wage work (not worried about this though, life is good).
I had a few beers before writing all this, because I can only talk about this kind of stuff when I am a bit drunk.
So, any advice on how I could manage this depression?
I am 21 Male. Just in case you wanted to know.
No one in my family has had a history of depression.
My blood work came out fine the last time I went to a doctor 2 months ago.
I have been looking around google, but can’t seem to find any cure, as most em talk about working out and stuff, which I already do.
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